Labeled Bottles
by enjambament
Summary: Harry doesn’t want to let go, and Remus doesn’t know how to tell him to hold on. They are remembering not to forget. [Post Siriusdeath][DH compliant]


Author's Notes: Well this has been sitting around on my desktop for a while and I thought maybe it was time for another ridiculously depressing, after Sirius' death Rem-centric fic, but it got a bit away from me, and so, if you squint right it can be pairingless or RLSB or HPSB, or even pre-RLHP.

Loves

-Rhain

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Labeled Bottles

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"Listen Harry…you need to stop…this…it's hurting your friends, to watch you like this. It isn't…healthy."

A glare, or green against gold. And pain, fathomless pain, mirrored. But Harry wasn't ready to let go. And he didn't want to let go. It was so much easier to cling to grief, than to have to face life and the lack of it.

"I can't just let go, Lupin." His eyes turn away to the grey skies outside, how they match the color of another set of eyes, forever lost behind falling curtains. "I'm not just going to pretend to be happy with fighting evil, and vanquishing the dark."

Remus says nothing, and looks too, to the window, where he sees only wishes and stars.

"You know why? You know why? Because that's just it. Right there. I can kill every evil dark lord from now until the end of time, but there will always be death. And in the end, it will always mean the dark."

"Harry. You know, you are right. But does that mean we should give up? Do you think Sirius would have wanted you to give up?"

"What does Sirius want? What does he want? He wanted me to be happy. He wanted my parents to be alive, he wanted to be aloud to leave the house, and to…to be…"

"…to be free."

Lupin's voice is a gentle whisper and it feels like tea and books and scones and dreams, and Harry wants to let go, and let that voice lead him back to a life that is one straight line.

Kill Voldemort. Save friends. Be happy.

But Harry is understanding, bit by bit that life is never a straight line.

"Yes." Harry says. He sinks to the floor, and the carpet produces a protest in the form of a cloud of dust. "He wanted to be free."

"Harry. You have to let go. I'm not saying forget. Or pretend that nothing happened. I'm saying move on and make sure this doesn't happen again."

But those words are empty, and that is something they both know, because it will happen again. Before they are done.

It will happen again.

What Lupin means to be saying. What they both know is the truth, he is telling Harry to learn to pull back and away, so that his pain goes on surface deep.

He is teaching Harry to learn to push away the death, and bottle it up.

Neat compartments on the inside of his soul:

Lily and James Potter, life as it could have been. Close the cap.

Cedric Diggory, innocence and wishes. Cork in the bottle.

Sirius Black, hope for a family. Labeled, tucked away, forgotten.

Harry doesn't want to forget.

"No." He says. "No. I won't."

"No? So that's it. You're going to spend the rest of you're life pushing people away and wallowing in pain. Is that it?" There is a sharp edge to his voice now, and Harry realized suddenly, that Remus is convincing himself this as much as he is trying to tell Harry.

"I just don't want to…to be this way anymore."

Remus is mad now, and it seems that his own grief is bubbling up, and the seal on the bottle is breaking, angry.

"You think anyone does? You think it's easy, Harry. He was mine too, Harry, you aren't the only one who's lost someone. Do you think he's the first person to have died in this war?"

"No! My parents died. I know that. They died for me. Sirius died for me. I didn't ask that of them. I didn't want it."

"No, Harry." Remus understands more about this green eyed boy than he has in a while, and it is almost funny, that someone who never wanted it, who doesn't take to it naturally can have such an…an…ego.

"No, Harry. Sirius didn't die for you. And your parents didn't die for you. And the people, all of those people who will die, in the future. That's what they are dieing for. A future. And hope. And the promise of a new dawn."

"And for those they love. So yes, a part of Sirius died for you, but not because you are the hero. But because you are Harry."

"What about you then? What about you, Lupin. When you die, what will it be? What will you die for. Who will you leave behind."

And Remus looks away.

"When I die." He says slowly, carefully, his hoarse voice tired and choked. "It will be the last adventure."

"What?" Harry's voice is tight, and heavy.

"That's what he always told me, you know. 'Death is like the last adventure, Moony. The one that every single person gets to take, alone. It's something beautiful and terrible. And it's going home. Going back to the beginning. So don't be afraid, Moony, because even if you go on the adventure alone. At the end, someone will be there for you.' What a poet. And he's right. When I die…I go home. I go back to Sirius."

And all Harry can say is: "Oh."

Because Harry knows that when Harry dies, he will never think of it as an adventure. And he never let go of the deaths. They will always change him. But he also knows that Remus knows this. And that every death changes Remus, too.

And that when Remus dies, he will go home.

And Harry will have another labeled bottle.

Remus Lupin, teacher, mentor, and vanquisher of dark. The end.

Fin

End Notes: Cha. Told you it was depressing. But it's pretty :) I think anyway. Now review, and maybe I'll update WTHI. –HUGS-


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